Beaten

We're taught, as Christians, to put others first. We bow before the unexplainable grandeur and majesty of God. We know we do not deserve the gift of perfect forgiveness that God's love has granted us. We sing "Amazing Grace" which saved a wretch like me. It is so easy for us to move from that place of lowliness before God to a place of lowliness in relationships.

Because of an early trauma in my life and low self esteem, I found someone who fed that "I am nothing" attitude in me. When I was married, there was never any physical abuse but the verbal abuse was ongoing. As children, if we show our parent a bloody wound inflicted by another, that parent will certainly leap to defend us. However, if we run to our parent and say, "He hurt my feelings." the likely response is something like, "You'll be alright." So, we learn to suppress that pain, even though the wounds and scars are deep, and sometimes debilitating.

It is not alright for someone to hurt you, not in any way. You, we, I do not deserve punishment from anyone for real or imagined actions. Only the Lord has the right judge our right-ness. For me, the little light came on when my former husband and I were watching the news report about the start of the war in Saudi Arabia. He turned to me and said, "That's your fault." I didn't understand and said, "What?" He replied, "That war is your fault because you didn't pray for Saudi Arabia enough."

He actually had a point. I knew I had not prayed for that country specifically. I had prayed for our world in general but not specifically for Saudi Arabia. I also knew the war was not my fault. I slowly began to realize that he had used enough of the truth to try to manipulate me into guilt about that war. I also began to realize that if he was wrong about that, he was probably wrong about all the other things over the years I had accepted as "my fault."

From that point onward, I never argued with him again, about anything relating to me. I would say, "Alright." or "OK." any time he tried to manipulate or degrade me. Strangely, my clamness and renewed reliance on the Lord seemed to fuel anger in him. I changed our relationship. Eventually, we divorced, which, for a Christian, is wrong. Especially for a preacher's kid, it's unacceptable but I had grown so close to the Lord, through this horrible experience that I knew it was right for me.

The Lord did not want me to stay with someone who beat me up. Even though no one will ever see the scars, I live with them even now. God heals and gives joy. He grants new life and hope and ministry to those who earnestly seek His Beautiful Face. He loves me. He loves me like no one can.

I know who I am before Him. He is my Beloved. He is The Bridegroom. He is the Coming King. And he chose me, little ole me. I must be precious to Him. It is a slap in His Glorious Face if believe otherwise. I cannot stand at the foot of that cross, where His Love for all of us caused Him to pay such a dear price, and not believe that I am special and loved and worth it to Him. Absolutely nothing else matters. Do you see? You are standing right there beside me. What will you do with His Loving Gaze directly into your eyes?

He sees the deepest part of you and finds it beautiful. He finds you lovable. He finds you so lovable that He gave up the Throne of Glory to come down here and show you. We, you, me are not allowed to believe otherwise.